Violent waves

Anxiety hits me like an unexpected blow to my gut, like a unexpected ocean storm that creates massive violent waves in my once peaceful waters. My stomach is churning, I have a deep unsettling feeling that death is looming, my heart is racing, I feel the pulse in my wrist, my chest is tight, help I can’t breath, I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, this has to be the end. My eyes are wide open like a dope fein, I feel like I’m going to lose control any minute.

I need to remain calm but my mind tells me “No, you’re having a heart attack, you’re dying”, I get cold sweats my palms feel wet like if the been dipped in water. My family is living their life as normal, while I’m far beyond feeling “normal” or ok. I’m like a stranger looking in my own home, I feel out of place. I can’t let them know that I’m struggling that my reality is intertwining with a dark altered world that us anxiety sufferers know too well. Plus they wouldn’t understand this darkness that swallows you whole with no remorse, it doesn’t care you’re always its prey.

As much as you try to reason with your mind it doesn’t permit logic & facts, it doesn’t allow you to grasp the simple fact that what you’re experiencing is a figment of your imagination, a chemical imbalance, my hands tremble as I reach for my bottle of pills, my angel in disguise, my passage to reality is in my hands now.

I get these attacks out of nowhere they are never invited thats why at times I live in daily fear in anticipation of an attack that I know too well, I’m not anxiety but it’s part of me like my shadow. I call for peace like a repeated prayer, I inhale & exhale to regain control of my mind & body, I permit myself to ride on this anxiety wave until it reaches the calm shoreline. The more you resist the more it will come for you, let it go, let it flow.

Yes, the medication has hijacked my bloodstream, my heart is slowing down, my body is feeling grounded, I can catch my breath, I can feel peace consuming the irrational fears, I’m in the now and present, but most importantly I AM SAFE & ALIVE.

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